I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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