I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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