First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
