Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
