After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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