i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
