my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
