I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
