She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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