i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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