My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
