dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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