How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
