Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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