How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
