Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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