all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
