Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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