You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
