Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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