i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I enjoy the company of your penis
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
