dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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