hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.