It's Friday. Sex?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn