Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dick very happy bro
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
