just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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