woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
