My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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