If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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