Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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