Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
