I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
