I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
