Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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