OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
