you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
