Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
