plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
