Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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