Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
