So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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