My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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