i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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