I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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