I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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