Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
