i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
