4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
