I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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