My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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