that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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