I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So squirting runs in the family.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
