I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You pole danced in your parka.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
