my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
