Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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