So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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